I am only good if… On what conditions do you recognise your value?
What is the distance between your introjected expectations and your true and authentic vision of life?
Let’s take a closer look at how all those external factors that we have introjected affect our self-esteem, the value we place on ourselves.
As children we learn to behave in a certain way to meet the expectations others have of us.
Adults who take care of us are not always aware that they are projecting those expectations onto us, asking us what is important to them.
It is not easy to distinguish what is important to us from what is important to others, we also see this in work and friendship relationships, don’t we? We take it for granted that if something is very important for us, such as achieving our goals (doing well in school, being honest…), it should also be important for others.
We often value our actions when they are accepted by others.
We put conditions on our value: conditions that we believe we have to fulfil in order to gain acceptance, love or positive consideration from others.
Many of these conditions are not really our own, but we have introjected them, we have swallowed them without chewing: we have learnt to behave like this in order to meet the expectations of others.
These expectations do not necessarily coincide with the way we see life.
It is precisely the distance between the expectations and our true and authentic way of seeing life that sets our degree of satisfaction and happiness.
If we are unhappy, the distance is great, leading to states of anxiety and depression.
I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks for 10 years, today I thank that tiring period, it showed me the distance between the expectations of others that I was used to fulfilling and my true value.
If you feel in a similar situation, and you are not well but do not understand why: ask for help.
In a healthy helping relationship you can confront yourself with a ‘clean mirror’, with someone who is skilled at not piling their own expectations on you, but at listening to you and helping you to recognise what is important to you, what is worth putting all your energy into.
I recognise your value as a human being, I help you to value what matters to you. I help you to develop a healthy self-esteem!
I support you in recognising your needs, not in meeting mine.
I support and guide you in valuing yourself, in recognising the value of your intentions, of your actions. I teach you to value yourself.
Authentic self-esteem is made up of a good level of self-esteem and real skills.
Working on self-esteem is important because only in this way can we recognise our resources. Resources help us to change, enable us to face life’s challenges, a fundamental step towards realising our full potential.
If I know my resources and value them, it will be easier to get up in the face of failure, because yes… we can all fail.
Only if I decide to do nothing because I fear I cannot handle the frustration will I focus all my actions on avoiding failure… but then I will never be happy!
Remember the courgette in the sun, the child who crawls and discovers the world… all these movements go towards life, it is only in this way that we can achieve our most noble goal, which is life itself.
If I avoid for fear of making a mistake, if I move to avoid pain and frustration, I survive, but I do not live!
To live, to risk, to expose oneself, to put oneself at stake.
Sometimes we look for confirmation outside, when the answers are inside us.
It happens to me too, very often. Conditioning is strong, but when I realise it, I stop for a moment and, if I have the courage, I look inside.
I take risks, I expose myself, I go outside, then inside. That’s my process, what’s yours?
In the last episode of the podcast “Ritrova la tua autenticità” I offer you an exercise.
If you are interested in this topic you can find the podcast on all channels, register if you like.
I look forward to seeing you next week, with a little more authenticity!
Photo by Marco Tonella
